The Men I Date Reflect My Depression

Well thats a fun title isn’t it? My mom said something to me the other day that I decided to keep in the forefront. “You have to let go of your bitterness.” I want to argue with her so hard on this. But if any of you have met my mother that is a battle you need to pick carefully. (Love you something fierce Mom) But here is the deal, I want to argue with her on that, because I have not yet accepted that its that easy. To just let it go. But what pisses me off more than anything is I know she’s right. She told me that my person will come when I let go of the bitterness.
So to get back to the title of my post today. The men I date directly are a reflection of my self esteem and depression. Because quiet frankly the men that I have allowed myself to date in the last five years have been absolute shit. Just like my attitude. Why would a positive successful man want to be with a depressive woman that has a hard time getting out of bed? So I dated the men that had self esteem issues also. The ones that drank too much, lied and like to manipulate. Luckily I’ve been strong enough to back the hell away from those, but not without a lot of tears, revisiting my severe depression, and a lot of self loathing and “I’m going to die alone.”
I am very aware I am trying to fill a void. A space of warmth to snuggle up against to in bed. But at what cost? Being constantly ignored? Controlled, manipulated, someone that needs their own ego stroked? Someone that literally cannot take care of themselves either and relies on family to do that for them? Brianna Delanie you are worth so much more than that! You are worth someone that is going to love you so hard that all of your broken pieces fall back together. And then they will still love those visible cracks from the breaks. Someone that is going to love your kids, and help you. But you need to get your act together!
How do you do that when you are me?
How do you decide to be happy? How do you decide to get up and hope your anti depressant works extra well today so you have the energy to get some groceries, clean the kitchen, do some laundry, laugh with your kids, maybe take them to a movie, do some homework with them? How do you fight your brain so hard.
This blog has begun to really help me analyze everything that I’ve gone through with a different perspective. I honestly have something deep inside of me that I haven’t seen for a few years. Hope.
Hope for happiness.
I realize now, that happiness does not come to your doorstep like a fedex package. (But lets be real, those are close)
Happiness is earned and worked towards. And at this moment I have this hope, that I am taking some steps to that happiness. Cleansing of my soul so to speak. These things happened. I cannot change anything that happened. But I can however change how I react the next five years. (And further) How my attitude and thoughts will directly affect the future Brianna.
I don’t think after I shut down, and gave up, that I ever really decided to try again. I think this entire time I’ve just been going through the motions of what I’m expected to do. I’m expected to wake up every morning and do my hair. Do my makeup, get the kids ready for school. Go to work, come home, make dinner, give baths and then go to bed. Repeat for the next 18 years.
But then what? I have literally completely lost who I am. Who I was. But I am unsure if the person that I was- is the person I want to find again. She seemed weak, and scared. She seemed blind, and had no self esteem. This new Brianna is going to look in the mirror and smile. She is going to look forward to the day, of what she may be able to accomplish. And learn from the failures that she faces. Because she is still human, and will have more heartache and failures. But the key is to continue to get up and kick the dust off, but to keep her chin up in the process. I will not let Matt control my happiness anymore than he already has. Matt and the abuse.
And if it be in the cards that I am to find another person to bring into my life, I want them to be a reflection of myself. I want to have someone that deserves me, and I deserve them just as much. But I know that I need to just start working on myself, so that the men I date will not reflect my depression, but will reflect my strength, beauty and badassery.