People ask me all the time about how Ryan is doing. Its pretty easy to just say, “He is doing good!” It isn’t a lie, but it isn’t the truth either. I feel that he is doing so well, for what he has had to overcome. Is he a carefree typical 10 almost 11 year old? Nope.
This little boy holds the weight on his shoulders some days.I remember the days after he spoke his story to the police and the health and welfare office he seemed so much...happier. It took me while to see that, because I of course was the opposite, and my mother seeing how devastated I was warned me to not show too much of that to Ryan. We didn’t want him to ever think that he had done something bad by “telling on his dad”. Or ever think that he had made me mad, by getting his dad arrested. He never really talked about what had happened to him at first. Especially with the counselors or strangers. He really only ever shared with me. (Which I encouraged, because I needed to be his safe place.) He shared a little with my mom also.
I cannot emphasize enough how sick I felt whenever Ryan would start to tell me the details. I physically would have to fight myself from telling him to stop. He remembered too many details. He told me things that made me so angry, and sad, and defeated at night. How could I have let this happen to my little boy. But I was so grateful he was telling me. No matter how hard it was for me to hear, he needed to talk to someone. And mommy was finally the safe person to talk to.
We have been through three different counselors. It takes Ryan almost a year to trust someone enough to speak to them about details. We have had to change doctors that don’t care to listen to him, and Teachers in the past have been horrid with patience with Ryan. He always feels like there is something wrong with him. He fights and argues with everyone. But if you look beyond the arguing and fighting you will see he has reason and purpose. He fights because he is defending himself. Usually someone has said something, or made fun of him. He fights. He fights when there is a person smaller, or cannot defend themselves. Its very hard for him to “walk away and find an adult” When he feels he has the power to handle it himself. He argues when he feels he is right. And he will not be silenced.
I love that he defends the innocent. I love that he has this enormous heart for animals and little babes. They flock to him, because they know he will care and protect him. The older he is getting, the more questions about his growing body, and adult things. The older he is getting, never effects what he can remember. A part of me wishes that he could forget. Ive had multiple people, family, friends, boyfriends, all tell me that if we stopped talking about it maybe he would. They felt that we talk too much about it and we keep it too forefront.
Aca-scuse me?
As much as I appreciate all the concern, and opionions, I take them all with a grain of salt. This is what is working for Ryan and I. I never want to silence him again. I am his voice until he gains his correct voice. I am his sounding board until he no longer has questions. The cycle ends with Ryan, because he will always know how wrong it is, and he in turn will talk about it easier with his family, future wife, and kids. I want so desperately to end the stigma that surrounds this. But how?
Ryans birthday is coming up next week. He will be 11 years old. Five years ago his little world changed just as much as mine. But this year he is finally getting the birthday party that he has wanted. He has has the best year of school he’s had since he started. I have had only positive notes home. He is excelling in his grades, and is generally doing the best I’ve seen him ever.
I have a favor to ask everyone however. I would love to see people sending him some cards in the mail. He loves getting mail, and I think it would just be so amazing to hear some kind words and encouragement on how great he is doing, and to wish him a Happy Birthday!
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