It's funny how you can have those pivotal moments where things make sense.
Where you can wake up and not TRY to convince yourself that you feel a certain way, but that you actually DO feel that way.

I woke up Saturday morning and my intense rejection from him was gone. I was OK just being his friend. It was probably the snide text that he sent me, I dont know. But I am ok. And I like being his freind now. And for whatever reason I just don't have this desire or longing to have anyone at the moment. Did I just really want a best friend that talks to me all the time? Or am I that delusional that I am still so torn over this guy that I snapped and am in complete denial? I really do picture him trying to kiss me again, and I don't want it. I would push him away. I know that I would. So what is it that I want?

I don't want to be lonely. And my impeding divorce has me thinking about it a lot. I want nothing more than to be divorced. I want seperated from this man physically, mentally, and legally. I am not in love with this monster.

But do I feel like that final step will leave me utterly alone? No. Nothing will be different except a piece of legal paper that says "You are now legally unbound from this man"

I want so badly to become a recluse. To go introverted and anti social. To feel no one and nothing. To go numb and hate. Depressed. But I wont allow myself. I am going out into the world. Why though? I hate people! I hate them. And when those that hate reject me I allow them to make me feel horrid and worthless.

I know I am not alone in this. But why, especially woman do we allow ourselves to feel this way? Especially when the emotional attachment is so strong. Do we convince ourselves that we are in love? What the hell is love anymore? Everyone is so damaged and used. Everyone has these three foot thick brick walls built up around themselves and we never allow anyone to completely come in. We fear that if we give ourselves over (Or let them behind our wall) that they will not like what they see. Possibly get bored and leave. And then there we are, a shattered torn up mess because we gave them pieces, if not our entire heart. And they tore it up, threw it on the ground and stomped on it.

But If you hide behind that wall, and never let anyone in and you don't go over, how are you really in love? That doesn't make sense and I don't believe it. But you also are avoiding, and essentially succeeding at hiding from rejection. Oh and living. I believe so many of us purely hide from living. We must do what we love, with who we love or life is a waste is it not? If we sit in front of the TV thinking about all the things we want to do, we are accomplishing NOTHING. I am so guilty of this. But I have no idea on how to change it. To get off the couch when I have two kids that need constant attention and care. I have no time for myself or others that may want my attention. I want to go out into the world and live, but whenever I do I feel immense guilt. I should be home. (Even if my kids are in bed asleep) Is this a mother trait? Or a "Your a psycho" trait?