Lately Ive really been evaluating the strength of people. Are people genuinely strong? Are we all really hiding internal struggles but some of us are really good at smiling? I really wish that my heart wasn't constantly on display on my sleeve. I cannot figure out how to "work" on this trait. If something upsets me I cry. If I get angry, I cry. If I get to happy, I cry. And even if I pretend to be ok, and smile wide my huge bug eyes are screaming "Im dieing inside. Please dont ask me whats wrong. I will fall apart."

How do you fix this? Or improve on this? Is this a good thing to have? Does this make me a deep "real" person? God I just have no idea. I cannot fake happiness. I cannot fool my enemies. I am a terrible liar.

And I have been reading all these "inspirational" quotes. There are many that touch me to the core, but I wish I could really take them to heart. For instance, "If its meant to be, It will be." Well no shit Sherlock. It feels good to read, but I'm still dieing inside. How about "You deserve flowers on your doorstep and coffee in the morning. You deserve notes left on your dashboard and ice cream sundaes at 3am. You deserve honesty every hour. You deserve to be reminded how beautiful you are." Again, I read this and go, "You better believe I deserve this. I want this. Why is this such an unrealistic idea?" Its not. Its totally realistic. But I have little self esteem so when someone pays an ounce of attention to me I am a damn puppy dog sitting there wanting to lap it up. Every single drop of that attention.

"Forget How Much It Hurts And Try Again."  pff.. People do not forget pain. Except childbirth. That shit you have to forget or you wouldn't keep making babies...