I've been trying to read and understand the dynamics of rejection. Its such a strong emotion that hits us to the core. All of us deal with it, from relationships, to jobs. I have been reading an excellent blog, that has given me some wonderful insight. (http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/)

At this moment I feel ok. I still don't think that almost 8 months into this nightmare that I am stable enough to handle another person in my life with the demands any relationship entails. I can barely manage any of my friendships. Luckily I have friends that do not need my constant validation or communication. They are always there when I need them and they can go months and when we talk it wasn't ever an issue.

So why am I seeking out this type of attention and validation from a man? I feel like maybe I am trying to fill this little void that is within my heart. And when you go out into the world completely aware of your void, and that all your trying to do is fill it, you will not find anything good to stuff in there. You will find toxic waste. And so far I have only proven that point. Even with my scum bag soon to be ex husband. When I was seeking, (key word here being seeking) a relationship I would settle for whatever would give me attention. Well, I got it. I got it from a very unemotional unavailable person that sucked me dry. But because I got pregnant, and convinced myself that this was what I was worth, I settled into this "I know that I can learn/or am in love with this man"

What kind of happiness is that? I know that even if he never hurt my child, and all of these stupid crazy charges had never come about that my marriage was destined to fail. I think I was just looking for the right excuse. Or I was just trying to continue to settle. It doesn't matter at this point however. He did hurt my child. He is in jail. He will stay in that jail cell for many years, and if I never see him again it will be fine by me.

Even with him sitting in that jail he has so much power over my emotions. I need to learn to let that go. He doesn't even realize that he has that power. That he himself created this massive void within my chest. And I just walk around showing it to everyone. Practically screaming at the top of my lungs and anyone who will listen- "Hey!! Look at this hole in my chest! Will you validate my self worth? Hey you! Over there! What about you? Want to try and fill this up with your attention?"

I highly doubt the men and women that I allow to fill that void will be worth it. I'm actually pretty damn sure.

I have this clean slate. This slate that has a few dents and scratches but its been bleached and cleaned and its ready. And I am the one that gets to choose who and what I place on that slate. And yet I allow the toxic mess. I really need to take my finger and push my chin up a few inches. And then walk my slate over to the trash and scrape the gunk off. If I can put my chin into the air, I might just make eye contact with someone that is looking for my eyes. What a concept? I fear and hate rejection. But these unavailable toxic men will only do that. Reject me. Because I will expect certain things from them, but I do not have the self worth, respect or strength to reject THEM.
Or so I thought.

If I can walk away with my head held high, I did just that. Rejected. Maybe not them personally, because they have already made it crystal clear that I am not for them, but I can reject the sadness. The corrosive thoughts that I allow myself to have. And all the control these men still have over me. The "lets be friends" bullshit is not something that a woman can do most times. They think that if you stay friends that eventually these unavailable men will come back around. They will, just to use you for whatever they need. String you along. And then there you are again, rejected. You gave back your power. I want it back!! But how in the hell do we get our power back?