Today he was supposed to be released. But because he got caught with more crimes he had court instead.

Why does it affect me so? Have I completely become numb? I feel things time to time. Little blips of anger, sadness. But its mostly just depression. Is that a feeling? Just overwhelming laziness and sadness. Almost like I have completely given up. I still wake up every morning. I get my kids ready for daycare, I go to work. I come home, I make them dinner. Then I wait. I wait to go to bed. I text a few people that pay attention to me. But essentially I just wait to go to bed. To start the entire process over again. I never leave this house. I have become an introvert.

I have a friend that is so manic depressive that it scares me. He goes off of his meds or messes up his sleep schedule and he just spirals into the crazy person. I feel like I am ending up like that. But my kids and responsibilities are the only tiny thread holding me together.

I am so lost. I have no idea who I am anymore. Hopeless is the only thing that I feel. The only thing that I ever look forward to is walking. Because I can be alone with my music. But when I drink I just sit here. Waiting for a text, or looking online. What is wrong with me? I lied to someone today. I told them that I was going to the fair. I really didn't. But I didn't want him to think that I was a complete loner. But guess what?? I totally am. Awesome.

I seriously hate myself. I hate looking at myself in the mirror. All I see is a damaged single mother that no one is going to ever love again. I look forward to online dating. Awesome...

Where am I ever supposed to meet someone? Probably the fair if I actually went.

Every single memory that I have with that man is ruined. Every laugh that I shared with him is tarnished like old silver. Silver may not be the best example because you can clean that. I feel like my entire life is a complete lie. My marriage was. Thats for sure. I guess the next man in my life will have to be a strong man.

He will have to one- be able to handle me. I am a handful.
He will have to love me. More than anything on this planet.
He will have to love my children like they are his own. And want to protect them from evil.
He will have to have patience. Because I have none.
He will have to be smart. Because I want to have great conversations.
He will have to have a soft touch. Because I want closeness and tenderness.
He will have to have a talent.
He will have to love music.
He will have to love me.
He will have to love me
Love me
Love me
Love me

He must be kind
He must be brave
He must have a smile to melt me
He must have bright eyes to his soul


He absolutely must make me feel like the only woman on this planet. That I am the missing piece he has always searched for his soul.

Maybe I'm just a retarded disney princess at heart. Or I am stating all the unimaginable things because I somehow know that love is merely a chemical imbalance caused by the human intuition to mate called lust. And we all fall out of lust. And end up falling into a settling comfortable state. Then there are a few of us that just get bored constantly and fuck multiple woman. And make them feel dirty and inferior. Then they put us into the "friend zone" and keep us on a short little leash. Pulling every once in a while to make sure that we are still available. And when we become unavailable then we are bad "friends"

It is true however, that we are in control of our feelings. I allow these people to make me feel this way. I just have absolutely no knowledge on how to correct my feelings. I truly allow people to control my feelings. Its because I'm just so eager to please. I'm so eager for attention. So I will allow anyone and everyone to treat me badly. As long as they pay attention to me. I have the perfect opportunity to change myself and my life. Or at the very least find and allow only those in my life that are positive. But I find myself resorting back to my old 16 year old self. That little depressed girl that was so weak. That let people literally treat her like shit. Why? I'm not afraid to make people mad. I'm not afraid to lose people. So what is my issue? I know that I hate rejection. I hate to cry. But I dwell for maybe a day or so and then that's it. So what the hell is my problem? I am almost 30. And I am acting like I am literally half my age.

New goal. No matter what, by the time I am 30 I am going to have the self confidence to not allow anyone in my life that is toxic. I will have the balls to cut people out of my life. I would like to say "right now I am doing this" but I know that I wont. But I am certainly going to try.

Ok, so at this moment I am not allowing anyone to make me feel anything. Only I am going to allow myself to feel. I will allow myself to feel angry. I am going to allow myself to be fucking happy every once in a while. I am going to allow myself to be manic depressive. I will allow myself to be so hell bent over someone. And you know what? I am going to try NOT to allow myself to be feel that way over anyone ever again. I am so tired of allowing men to make me feel inferior. I learned today that there are men that get quite the kick out of that! So... Brianna- be the strong woman that you know is deep within that shattered heart. Because you know that your are pretty amazing. You know it.