Lately Ive really been evaluating the strength of people. Are people genuinely strong? Are we all really hiding internal struggles but some of us are really good at smiling? I really wish that my heart wasn't constantly on display on my sleeve. I cannot figure out how to "work" on this trait. If something upsets me I cry. If I get angry, I cry. If I get to happy, I cry. And even if I pretend to be ok, and smile wide my huge bug eyes are screaming "Im dieing inside. Please dont ask me whats wrong. I will fall apart."
How do you fix this? Or improve on this? Is this a good thing to have? Does this make me a deep "real" person? God I just have no idea. I cannot fake happiness. I cannot fool my enemies. I am a terrible liar.
And I have been reading all these "inspirational" quotes. There are many that touch me to the core, but I wish I could really take them to heart. For instance, "If its meant to be, It will be." Well no shit Sherlock. It feels good to read, but I'm still dieing inside. How about "You deserve flowers on your doorstep and coffee in the morning. You deserve notes left on your dashboard and ice cream sundaes at 3am. You deserve honesty every hour. You deserve to be reminded how beautiful you are." Again, I read this and go, "You better believe I deserve this. I want this. Why is this such an unrealistic idea?" Its not. Its totally realistic. But I have little self esteem so when someone pays an ounce of attention to me I am a damn puppy dog sitting there wanting to lap it up. Every single drop of that attention.
"Forget How Much It Hurts And Try Again." pff.. People do not forget pain. Except childbirth. That shit you have to forget or you wouldn't keep making babies...
Thursday, September 5, 2013
There will always be those days where you wake up, and never want to leave your bed. That you pray for sleep or death to just take you because know because getting out of that safe place is just absolutely not in your power.
There will be times in our lives where these days happen more frequently than you expect. But thankfully for most of us there are reasons that make us throw a leg over the edge, and place one foot on the ground. Then the next. I have two tiny little reasons. And apparently they need fed every morning.
On January 24th 2013 my husband of a little over five years was arrested. It destroyed my entire family. Or so I thought. But here I am, almost exactly 6 months later and I feel stronger than I have in years. He was arrested for lewd conduct with a minor. He hurt my son. The disgust, denial, anguish, anger, was unimaginable. I cannot possibly put into words the amount of emotions that were placed within my chest. Emotions that I am still trying to work out slowly but surely. But survival mode was activated. Numbness was my main source of energy. I literally had to run on numb.
I will spare all the gruesome details. All the horrid memories. I do not mind talking about them, but I want this to be a place of healing. A place for people to come to understand that although you may feel alone, and like this is only happening to you, it isn't. There is an entire dorm at the jail that he is housed at dedicated to these types of people.
I wish that I had started this blog earlier in my healing. I wanted to show the transformation that I have gone through. But I simply did not have the time. I went from being in a marriage (what I thought was a loving team relationship which I have reevaluated) to being a single mother of two. With one income in a matter of hours. I lost my home, and had to move in with my mother. I work full time, and trying to find sleep is a completely different story! So I am going to write this blog starting at right now. The six month mark.
There will be times in our lives where these days happen more frequently than you expect. But thankfully for most of us there are reasons that make us throw a leg over the edge, and place one foot on the ground. Then the next. I have two tiny little reasons. And apparently they need fed every morning.
On January 24th 2013 my husband of a little over five years was arrested. It destroyed my entire family. Or so I thought. But here I am, almost exactly 6 months later and I feel stronger than I have in years. He was arrested for lewd conduct with a minor. He hurt my son. The disgust, denial, anguish, anger, was unimaginable. I cannot possibly put into words the amount of emotions that were placed within my chest. Emotions that I am still trying to work out slowly but surely. But survival mode was activated. Numbness was my main source of energy. I literally had to run on numb.
I will spare all the gruesome details. All the horrid memories. I do not mind talking about them, but I want this to be a place of healing. A place for people to come to understand that although you may feel alone, and like this is only happening to you, it isn't. There is an entire dorm at the jail that he is housed at dedicated to these types of people.
I wish that I had started this blog earlier in my healing. I wanted to show the transformation that I have gone through. But I simply did not have the time. I went from being in a marriage (what I thought was a loving team relationship which I have reevaluated) to being a single mother of two. With one income in a matter of hours. I lost my home, and had to move in with my mother. I work full time, and trying to find sleep is a completely different story! So I am going to write this blog starting at right now. The six month mark.
It's funny how you can have those pivotal moments where things make sense.
Where you can wake up and not TRY to convince yourself that you feel a certain way, but that you actually DO feel that way.
I woke up Saturday morning and my intense rejection from him was gone. I was OK just being his friend. It was probably the snide text that he sent me, I dont know. But I am ok. And I like being his freind now. And for whatever reason I just don't have this desire or longing to have anyone at the moment. Did I just really want a best friend that talks to me all the time? Or am I that delusional that I am still so torn over this guy that I snapped and am in complete denial? I really do picture him trying to kiss me again, and I don't want it. I would push him away. I know that I would. So what is it that I want?
I don't want to be lonely. And my impeding divorce has me thinking about it a lot. I want nothing more than to be divorced. I want seperated from this man physically, mentally, and legally. I am not in love with this monster.
But do I feel like that final step will leave me utterly alone? No. Nothing will be different except a piece of legal paper that says "You are now legally unbound from this man"
I want so badly to become a recluse. To go introverted and anti social. To feel no one and nothing. To go numb and hate. Depressed. But I wont allow myself. I am going out into the world. Why though? I hate people! I hate them. And when those that hate reject me I allow them to make me feel horrid and worthless.
I know I am not alone in this. But why, especially woman do we allow ourselves to feel this way? Especially when the emotional attachment is so strong. Do we convince ourselves that we are in love? What the hell is love anymore? Everyone is so damaged and used. Everyone has these three foot thick brick walls built up around themselves and we never allow anyone to completely come in. We fear that if we give ourselves over (Or let them behind our wall) that they will not like what they see. Possibly get bored and leave. And then there we are, a shattered torn up mess because we gave them pieces, if not our entire heart. And they tore it up, threw it on the ground and stomped on it.
But If you hide behind that wall, and never let anyone in and you don't go over, how are you really in love? That doesn't make sense and I don't believe it. But you also are avoiding, and essentially succeeding at hiding from rejection. Oh and living. I believe so many of us purely hide from living. We must do what we love, with who we love or life is a waste is it not? If we sit in front of the TV thinking about all the things we want to do, we are accomplishing NOTHING. I am so guilty of this. But I have no idea on how to change it. To get off the couch when I have two kids that need constant attention and care. I have no time for myself or others that may want my attention. I want to go out into the world and live, but whenever I do I feel immense guilt. I should be home. (Even if my kids are in bed asleep) Is this a mother trait? Or a "Your a psycho" trait?
Where you can wake up and not TRY to convince yourself that you feel a certain way, but that you actually DO feel that way.
I woke up Saturday morning and my intense rejection from him was gone. I was OK just being his friend. It was probably the snide text that he sent me, I dont know. But I am ok. And I like being his freind now. And for whatever reason I just don't have this desire or longing to have anyone at the moment. Did I just really want a best friend that talks to me all the time? Or am I that delusional that I am still so torn over this guy that I snapped and am in complete denial? I really do picture him trying to kiss me again, and I don't want it. I would push him away. I know that I would. So what is it that I want?
I don't want to be lonely. And my impeding divorce has me thinking about it a lot. I want nothing more than to be divorced. I want seperated from this man physically, mentally, and legally. I am not in love with this monster.
But do I feel like that final step will leave me utterly alone? No. Nothing will be different except a piece of legal paper that says "You are now legally unbound from this man"
I want so badly to become a recluse. To go introverted and anti social. To feel no one and nothing. To go numb and hate. Depressed. But I wont allow myself. I am going out into the world. Why though? I hate people! I hate them. And when those that hate reject me I allow them to make me feel horrid and worthless.
I know I am not alone in this. But why, especially woman do we allow ourselves to feel this way? Especially when the emotional attachment is so strong. Do we convince ourselves that we are in love? What the hell is love anymore? Everyone is so damaged and used. Everyone has these three foot thick brick walls built up around themselves and we never allow anyone to completely come in. We fear that if we give ourselves over (Or let them behind our wall) that they will not like what they see. Possibly get bored and leave. And then there we are, a shattered torn up mess because we gave them pieces, if not our entire heart. And they tore it up, threw it on the ground and stomped on it.
But If you hide behind that wall, and never let anyone in and you don't go over, how are you really in love? That doesn't make sense and I don't believe it. But you also are avoiding, and essentially succeeding at hiding from rejection. Oh and living. I believe so many of us purely hide from living. We must do what we love, with who we love or life is a waste is it not? If we sit in front of the TV thinking about all the things we want to do, we are accomplishing NOTHING. I am so guilty of this. But I have no idea on how to change it. To get off the couch when I have two kids that need constant attention and care. I have no time for myself or others that may want my attention. I want to go out into the world and live, but whenever I do I feel immense guilt. I should be home. (Even if my kids are in bed asleep) Is this a mother trait? Or a "Your a psycho" trait?
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