I've been trying to read and understand the dynamics of rejection. Its such a strong emotion that hits us to the core. All of us deal with it, from relationships, to jobs. I have been reading an excellent blog, that has given me some wonderful insight. (http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/)

At this moment I feel ok. I still don't think that almost 8 months into this nightmare that I am stable enough to handle another person in my life with the demands any relationship entails. I can barely manage any of my friendships. Luckily I have friends that do not need my constant validation or communication. They are always there when I need them and they can go months and when we talk it wasn't ever an issue.

So why am I seeking out this type of attention and validation from a man? I feel like maybe I am trying to fill this little void that is within my heart. And when you go out into the world completely aware of your void, and that all your trying to do is fill it, you will not find anything good to stuff in there. You will find toxic waste. And so far I have only proven that point. Even with my scum bag soon to be ex husband. When I was seeking, (key word here being seeking) a relationship I would settle for whatever would give me attention. Well, I got it. I got it from a very unemotional unavailable person that sucked me dry. But because I got pregnant, and convinced myself that this was what I was worth, I settled into this "I know that I can learn/or am in love with this man"

What kind of happiness is that? I know that even if he never hurt my child, and all of these stupid crazy charges had never come about that my marriage was destined to fail. I think I was just looking for the right excuse. Or I was just trying to continue to settle. It doesn't matter at this point however. He did hurt my child. He is in jail. He will stay in that jail cell for many years, and if I never see him again it will be fine by me.

Even with him sitting in that jail he has so much power over my emotions. I need to learn to let that go. He doesn't even realize that he has that power. That he himself created this massive void within my chest. And I just walk around showing it to everyone. Practically screaming at the top of my lungs and anyone who will listen- "Hey!! Look at this hole in my chest! Will you validate my self worth? Hey you! Over there! What about you? Want to try and fill this up with your attention?"

I highly doubt the men and women that I allow to fill that void will be worth it. I'm actually pretty damn sure.

I have this clean slate. This slate that has a few dents and scratches but its been bleached and cleaned and its ready. And I am the one that gets to choose who and what I place on that slate. And yet I allow the toxic mess. I really need to take my finger and push my chin up a few inches. And then walk my slate over to the trash and scrape the gunk off. If I can put my chin into the air, I might just make eye contact with someone that is looking for my eyes. What a concept? I fear and hate rejection. But these unavailable toxic men will only do that. Reject me. Because I will expect certain things from them, but I do not have the self worth, respect or strength to reject THEM.
Or so I thought.

If I can walk away with my head held high, I did just that. Rejected. Maybe not them personally, because they have already made it crystal clear that I am not for them, but I can reject the sadness. The corrosive thoughts that I allow myself to have. And all the control these men still have over me. The "lets be friends" bullshit is not something that a woman can do most times. They think that if you stay friends that eventually these unavailable men will come back around. They will, just to use you for whatever they need. String you along. And then there you are again, rejected. You gave back your power. I want it back!! But how in the hell do we get our power back?

OK- so maybe the pills are working a tad. Or I am just getting to the point where certain friends just aren't worth it. No matter how unique and wonderful they seem to be on the outside.

I don't even know how to explain the issues withing myself. I like a boy. And I know the only reason I like this person is because he is unique. I get a long so great with him. He gets me in ways that no person has ever gotten me. Including my mother. He is so incredibly talented and I have always found that so attractive.

But here comes all the bad and the list is so much longer. He is manically depressed. He has terrible social skills and enjoys chaos, and essentially enjoys hurting people. Especially woman. (But not his friends, which happen to all be woman also, and he ends up losing) He is a complete dick. And I really like him.

Because he is a complete dick? Because he is a depressed head case? No. Because he pays attention to me. Because my self esteem is so low that I feel I deserve this. Bullshit!

I don't. I do not deserve to sit here and listen to him tell me about all the "Bitches that he fucked, and how he really hates talking to all these cunts." Oh yes. He is such a sweet talker. But I always text him back like the stupid little in love girl "Oh, haha! You're so funny. Who are you hanging out with tonight?" Aids fest is what he calls it.

Why am I writing all this stuff out? Because I'm making a point to myself and all of you. That seven months after watching your entire self get shattered is just not enough time to heal the void in your chest. You will try and fill it with whatever is there. Even if it is shit. I am writing this so that tomorrow, I can read it again. I can look at this and realize, "Wow. Brianna. You are seriously messed up that you think this guy is even worth YOUR attention. So just you keep sitting by that phone like a good little girl and text him the second he sends one". Because as a "Friend" how many times has he asked to hang out or meet with your children? Never.

Today he was supposed to be released. But because he got caught with more crimes he had court instead.

Why does it affect me so? Have I completely become numb? I feel things time to time. Little blips of anger, sadness. But its mostly just depression. Is that a feeling? Just overwhelming laziness and sadness. Almost like I have completely given up. I still wake up every morning. I get my kids ready for daycare, I go to work. I come home, I make them dinner. Then I wait. I wait to go to bed. I text a few people that pay attention to me. But essentially I just wait to go to bed. To start the entire process over again. I never leave this house. I have become an introvert.

I have a friend that is so manic depressive that it scares me. He goes off of his meds or messes up his sleep schedule and he just spirals into the crazy person. I feel like I am ending up like that. But my kids and responsibilities are the only tiny thread holding me together.

I am so lost. I have no idea who I am anymore. Hopeless is the only thing that I feel. The only thing that I ever look forward to is walking. Because I can be alone with my music. But when I drink I just sit here. Waiting for a text, or looking online. What is wrong with me? I lied to someone today. I told them that I was going to the fair. I really didn't. But I didn't want him to think that I was a complete loner. But guess what?? I totally am. Awesome.

I seriously hate myself. I hate looking at myself in the mirror. All I see is a damaged single mother that no one is going to ever love again. I look forward to online dating. Awesome...

Where am I ever supposed to meet someone? Probably the fair if I actually went.

Every single memory that I have with that man is ruined. Every laugh that I shared with him is tarnished like old silver. Silver may not be the best example because you can clean that. I feel like my entire life is a complete lie. My marriage was. Thats for sure. I guess the next man in my life will have to be a strong man.

He will have to one- be able to handle me. I am a handful.
He will have to love me. More than anything on this planet.
He will have to love my children like they are his own. And want to protect them from evil.
He will have to have patience. Because I have none.
He will have to be smart. Because I want to have great conversations.
He will have to have a soft touch. Because I want closeness and tenderness.
He will have to have a talent.
He will have to love music.
He will have to love me.
He will have to love me
Love me
Love me
Love me

He must be kind
He must be brave
He must have a smile to melt me
He must have bright eyes to his soul


He absolutely must make me feel like the only woman on this planet. That I am the missing piece he has always searched for his soul.

Maybe I'm just a retarded disney princess at heart. Or I am stating all the unimaginable things because I somehow know that love is merely a chemical imbalance caused by the human intuition to mate called lust. And we all fall out of lust. And end up falling into a settling comfortable state. Then there are a few of us that just get bored constantly and fuck multiple woman. And make them feel dirty and inferior. Then they put us into the "friend zone" and keep us on a short little leash. Pulling every once in a while to make sure that we are still available. And when we become unavailable then we are bad "friends"

It is true however, that we are in control of our feelings. I allow these people to make me feel this way. I just have absolutely no knowledge on how to correct my feelings. I truly allow people to control my feelings. Its because I'm just so eager to please. I'm so eager for attention. So I will allow anyone and everyone to treat me badly. As long as they pay attention to me. I have the perfect opportunity to change myself and my life. Or at the very least find and allow only those in my life that are positive. But I find myself resorting back to my old 16 year old self. That little depressed girl that was so weak. That let people literally treat her like shit. Why? I'm not afraid to make people mad. I'm not afraid to lose people. So what is my issue? I know that I hate rejection. I hate to cry. But I dwell for maybe a day or so and then that's it. So what the hell is my problem? I am almost 30. And I am acting like I am literally half my age.

New goal. No matter what, by the time I am 30 I am going to have the self confidence to not allow anyone in my life that is toxic. I will have the balls to cut people out of my life. I would like to say "right now I am doing this" but I know that I wont. But I am certainly going to try.

Ok, so at this moment I am not allowing anyone to make me feel anything. Only I am going to allow myself to feel. I will allow myself to feel angry. I am going to allow myself to be fucking happy every once in a while. I am going to allow myself to be manic depressive. I will allow myself to be so hell bent over someone. And you know what? I am going to try NOT to allow myself to be feel that way over anyone ever again. I am so tired of allowing men to make me feel inferior. I learned today that there are men that get quite the kick out of that! So... Brianna- be the strong woman that you know is deep within that shattered heart. Because you know that your are pretty amazing. You know it.

Tuesday, August 13th, 2013

I have gone six months in this journey. Six months of emotions and general depression, anxiety, worry and fear. And I have finally made the doctor appointment to get medical help with my crazy mind. I just cannot compose my thoughts or contain my emotions the way that I feel I need to at this point. But who is really to say? These things are just not something that happen to people. There just isn't anyone in my circle that can remotely relate. So should I have been on medication this entire time? Should I wait longer? Do I really truly need to medicate myself?
Yes.
I have decided that since every little thing will set me over the edge and make me fall into a million pieces and I can no longer cope with everyday tasks, then yes. It is time. Because you know what? That horrid smell in the garbage should not reduce you to a million tears.
So far I am having to rely on a sleeping agent to just help me turn my brain off at night so that I can sleep. A lovely side effect is reduced dreams. I wonder if I can find a magical pill that can just turn my brain off during the day. Wouldn't it be nice to take a pill that predetermines what you are aloud to think of? I could be such a wealthy woman if I could invent something like that. I mean, that's where the big business is right? Haha...
The monster had ten more felony charges placed against him. Ten! I cant even imagine. He was supposed to get out the end of this month. And thankfully that will not be happening. But for whatever reason when I found out that more charges were finally being placed over his sick head, it was like I was kicked in the stomach. It was like it was happening all over again. WHY? Why did it even matter at this point? He was already in jail. It wasnt like he was being ripped out of my family again. I wasnt going through losing my home again, or having to show my face at work while everyone followed me with their eyes. So why did it effect me like it was the fist time again?

Hmm..Let me go ahead and analyze this like the woman without her pills can do so well. Because he was your husband. The man that you took vows to. The man that was supposed to hold your hand when you were sick, and tell you that everything was going to be OK. The father of your children. Their protector. Your best friend. The man that you shared your home with, and was supposed to die next to in a sweet embrace. It was a kick into the chest that knocked all the wind out because in brief little moments you have realized this man is not who you married. You have no blooming idea who he is. You look in the mirror and realize, who the fuck are you? This man sat downstairs and stared at a computer screen (The same computer that your own fingers touched and browsed the internet with) and looked at child porn. Then during the day would molest your son. And at night, when he was all good and done with these deeds he would come and snuggle up to you in bed. He would wrap his arm around you and make you feel like all was right in the world, when sweetie, nothing was right. And nothing IS right in this world.

I assume that these scenes of my life are why the wind was knocked out of me. And I stared into that mirror and felt damaged, disgusting. A used up, abused piece of trash. I still look in that mirror and feel that way. I hardly think that will go away. Especially since I have this bright idea that hey, I know I'm not in love with this monster any longer, and I'm lonely so lets go try to date and get more damaged by constant rejection and judgement. That sounds like a fantastic idea! I guess my (very few) horrid dating experiences can be saved for another time. Or another blog entirely since that seems to be quite the subject on its own. I mean, come one. Seriously? Dating. It fucking sucks. And I am no good at it. I've been told recently. Many times. Two thumbs up!